Why I am Not a Slap-Happy Pastor
There is nothing more unreal and more inauthentic than a used car salesman, posing as a Christian pastor. “I am sooo excited! It’s going to be amaaaazing! Revival is guaranteed! God’s gonna show up…will you?! We’re gonna get real! We’re gonna drowned ourselves in God’s anointing! Are you with meeeeeee!!!”
Me: “Ah…uh…ok, that’s fine…on with the show…I guess.” Frankly, this has been, and probably will remain, a mystery to my intellect. Who are these circus clowns? Where do they come from? Where do they get their psychobabble schticks? Why do people flock to their carnival churches with the jumbotron screen and satellite feed of the master of ceremonies 100 miles away?
It could be argued that I am suffering from jealousy, in a type of, “crazy, slap-happy derangement syndrome.” True confessions: I don’t own even one pair of Van’s shoes, and I realize I stick out in a crowd for my utter lack of tattoos. My pulpit style is void of vertical leaps, and my mysterious hipster persona is more like a fat Hawaiian dude…save the supple Samoan skin tone.
Crazy Christianity, with its maniac ministry tempo, is bizarre to me. In the same way I don’t understand Beth Moore, Paula White, and Joyce Meyer’s teaching on 1 Timothy 2:9–15, I don’t understand the football coaching rants of Pastor Jack (nicknamed: “the Rabbit”). My critical comments on his “Sponsored” Facebook page, that seem to assault my newsfeed on a daily basis, like, “My pastor uses his Bible when he preaches,” soon disappear, as if my matter-of-fact, positive statement was unwanted or served offense.
It’s almost as if, when Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off that bat, on stage, during a concert, back in the day, that a whole generation of young pastors received the baptism of that spirit, in order to out-do him. A while back, “Pastor” Cody Coots of Middlesboro, Kentucky, was putting on a show during a church service, handling a snake, and he was bitten and bloodied in front of his terrified congregation (Yes, they have video!). Cody’s dad, also a man of a strange god, died four years ago of a similar incident. Crazy! The nut does not fall far from the tree.
The showmen who have invaded the Christian church, or, at the very least, who claim to represent the Christian church, are charlatans. They are silly clowns, sent from Satan, to turn Christ’s church into a circus. They have no love for God in them; but invariably, they do have a love of money and fame. History proves, people are willing to pay for a good show. Here is the motive behind the madness (Ezek 34).
The message, from these occupants of the lunatic fringe, will always center on you. As salesmen, their objective is to see you become a better you. Sometimes there is a consumer product to sell you (ie. snake oil…yes, they had to kill that snake after the incident); but supreme charlatans, with larger-than-life charisma (snake sold separately), can manipulate masses of people with their powerful personalities. They are top tier gurus of church growth (Yes, your church can break 200!); or end times preparation (Yes, this time we’re all gonna die…again); or financial and personal success in the world (someone will prosper, it just may not be you…for lack of faith, of course).
This brings me to the singular catalyst for my not be being a slap-happy pastor (drum roll and dancing organ notes)…I read my Bible (sound of air leaving festive balloons in dark sanctuary with cushy theatre seating).
Yes, call me old-fashioned. Call me out of date or old school. It’s true. I have: no carnival games; no television show, no church bookstore to sell you my best-selling books and recordings; no stage show on Sunday morning; no gimmicky advertising on social media; no global speaking tour to promote myself (I do my own hair [singular], too); and no luxury cars and homes to convince you of God’s blessing me.
No, but what I do have, I give to you…rise…and walk…to church…that we might search the Scriptures to grow in grace and knowledge of the truth, that is in Christ Jesus. That’s all I got. Lord willing, I’ll be here all week, and next week, too, and its why I am not a slap-happy pastor (I actually transport railroad workers around the U.S. Inland Northwest for a living and write theology articles in my down time…that only a handful of people read in their down time. There is not much slap-happy in any of that, but God is good all the time, and His grace is sufficient for me).
David Norczyk
Spokane Valley, Washington
November 8, 2021
